Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Now I peek out the blinds before I answer

There's just something unethical about answering the door to a man saying, "You want to come look at my meat!" (That's some introduction, isn't it ?!)
Can you believe it? I know! Here I am about to run back in the house for the gun, and slummy Ole Jethro starts talking about cooking steak! Thank goodness is all I have to say. I would imagine the look on my face said it all. Cooking was the last thing I figured he had on his mind.I'm sure in fear of screams, he immediately started his backwards redneck sales pitch.

Now tell me, what woman in their right mind is going to answer the door to that and say "Oh sure just come on in and show me your meat." ( I'm a lonely house wife. Just let me put the kid away and you can flop out your meat. Yeah baby! uh..EW!! )
What fool drives around in a beat up pick-up truck selling meat out of a freezer? (A fat, toothless, uneducated one apparently) More importantly who buys meat in a freezer out of a beat up old pick up truck? That's my question. It certainly isn't going to be me! (The guy who showed up with a spray bottle and a rag didn't fool me and neither will you!) Thanks, but I am perfectly happy taking chances with my life, paying full price at the grocery store. Now please get your crappy old junk meat off my property and move it along, before I go all Kung-Fu panda on your a$$!

That does it I'm converting to a vegan and the children will have to have another talk about strangers in the neighborhood.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

We're both going to need therapy after this!

One of my biggest concerns is that my daughter will never master the toilet. We have made it through many phases & stages, but have suddenly come to a halt on any further progression.

Big-girl potty stage
~ We learned after spending many hours in the bathroom that big girls pee-pee in the potty and not in diapers.
(Of course not a tinkle could be made unless we were completely naked.)

Pull-up stages~ We found out with the expensive diapers that we could have a lot better success with easier access. The easy pull apart sides were also nice, for the days when it was a lot less scary to just hide, than poop on the potty. (Thank goodness Sponge Bob calling us finally fixed that.)

Big girl panties phase~ Our panties had to be a certain granny style, and not just any color would do.
(The magical color changed daily, which I could never get right!)

Barbie took a swim phase~
The days when we constantly had to wash our hands and use bottles of Lysol, because it was fun to play in the toilet. I was daily fishing out toys... (In which Barbie had skinny dipping all wrong! She would throw her clothes and shoes in, and just swirl her head around in the water.)

It wasn't me phase~
No one flushed, or cared if it ever got flushed either! Remember The New House Rule? Well we still have issues with that one every other week!

And the one we have been in since the beginning...

How much is too much? phase ~
I've talked and talked until I am blue in the face. Nothing I can say or do can explain to her you don't need that much paper! I've bought the expensive puppy dog T.P that shows you were to stop, and she still does it. It is a constant battle with her. She will go through an entire roll of T.P in one day. Stop wiping, your clean already!! It's not just if she poops either, this is if she just pees. She just wipes and wipes and wipes. The paper is bone dry and she just keeps on wiping. I just don't get it? Everyday its "Mommy the toilets clogged again. Mommy the toilets over flowing!" Well good grief Dear, you can't fill the entire toilet with wadded up paper and expect it to flush! There's times where I can barely get it down with a plunger after five minutes plunging.

After 8 years I'm beginning to loose hope and my mind. I just don't know what to do with her? I need to find a solution fast, because it has come to my attention we may have bigger issues...

We're all sitting eating supper and as usual Madisen starts talking about her day.

"The janitor lady at school is doing an investigation! She will be watching the second/third grade girls bathroom, for the next few weeks. Some girl at school has been filling the toilets with toilet paper and not flushing!!"

(I am seriously Not making this up! That is exactly what she said. She said it so serious and acted as though she just could not believe someone could be so gross and do such a thing.)

I'd like to say I was a good mom and just sat there calmly and said, "Really honey? Wow I hope they catch her."
But, I couldn't ...

(Oh don't judge, you know you were thinking exactly what I was, after you read what she said. There can't possible be another child in the same grade, using the same bathroom, having the same problems!!)

Nope feelings hurt or not, I instantly said "She's looking for you, isn't she?!"
She of course completely denied it, and was just appalled I would even suggest such a thing.

Now I'm terrified every time the phone rings, hoping it's not the school.
I can't imagine how that conversation would go, or the bill that might follow.

You can't flood a school with one toilet can you????

Monday, January 26, 2009

Here's my Excuse note...

To anyone that may have dropped by and missed my presence~
Please excuse my absence for the following dates above. The following reasons will help you to understand my situation;

1.I've been overly tired. (from Jacob waking up to party for two hours every night)

2. The stress from 1., resulted in me giving Jacob a bath in his socks, because I forgot to take them off.
& 3. An entire pile of clothes slathered with bathroom cleaner, before I realized it wasn't the stain remover.

4. I've been spending countless hours in the bathroom with Jacob potty-training, at his interested leisure. Which so far I think is going really well. (Even though he thinks it's funny to hind behind the shower curtain and pee on it!)

5. The billboard size birthday card the girls made me that hung on the fridge ALL week, brought on a huge self pity-party. (a two day melt-down)

And...6. As if turning 32 and the fact I have nothing to show for it wasn't bad enough, that day I found out my dad has bone cancer.

7. I've spent hours sorting through a (crammed 12x12) box of receipts. It's an entire years worth of important receipts, that have accumulated daily through Jason's building business.(Which have been scattered all over his van. I'm talking nasty trampled on dirty receipts! I've had to sift through the garbage just to find the important stuff. )

(read and sort, categorize, and sort,clean the house, get Jacob out of the receipts, sort again, enter in the computer...)

Oh and to top it all off...I'm sick!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The candles were a fire hazard

They claim a woman feels sexiest and finds her true self in her 30's. So far I haven't found her and to tell you the truth, I'm a little afraid to! From the way they talk I should be looking for a slutty, confident, half fertile broad. I don't know maybe she is slowly taking over me and I didn't even see her sneaking up.(Ja-son stop!! I'm trying to focus on writing my post.) Does anyone know how this works? Is it like having multiple personalities? Cause the way he's acting right now you would think she's already been here! Come to think of it I have been feeling a little frisky lately.

"No! I said, Mommy's 32 28 today and every year after!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

I've got CRABS, people!!

Yes, you read that right, I've got crabs!
First of all for those of you who clicked my title link in curiosity, I have one word for you.
You are SICK, people!!!

If this is your first time visiting my blog, weather you by chance landed here or you purposely Googled crabs (which I'm not judging!). I'll have you know I've never had crabs nor do I know how to treat them, but I have plenty of room in my Followers box in the side bar. So, feel free to stay or pop in and lurk at your leisure.

For those of you already following along. Remember back when I said we were getting a turtle for the girls. I know many of you had your concerns over the whole salmonella issues and all. So, if you were worried, scared, or just didn't care, you'll be happy to know I didn't get the turtle. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was another one of my dumb ideas. Instead we decided to go with two little painted hermit crabs.
Before going to buy our new friends we had plenty of time to discuss and research them.

Preparing to buy the crabs;

The girls had many questions.
(All of which usually came blurting out in public places! Thank you, girls!!)

Where do you get crabs?
Can we play with our crabs?

Do the crabs eat food?
What color are crabs?
Mommy, mommy, mommy....

The researching went just as well.
(FYI, if you go to research crabs on the internet don't forget to add the word HERMIT first!)
You must provide at least two extra shells of varying sizes in their cage. Do Not be alarmed if your crab changes it's shell as often as every two days.
Jason; "Well, I'm not buying the things a whole wardrobe!!"

Oh, and then there was the shopping experience.
We had to pick up every hermit crab two to three times, to decide just exactly which two we were buying.
The extra shells we had to purchase were only a dollar less than purchasing the ones with the crab inside, go figure!
We needed beach ball sponges, dishes, glow in the dark sand, food, water conditioner yada yada , basically the whole store!

So, I ask you if there are any concerns with these, please just keep them to yourself, because it's too late! They have set up home on their happy little turtle island, and the girls are already attached.

Now, without further ado Please welcome Speedy & Mr. Crabs ~

This is 'Speedy' he is Kailey's crab, you can't see but he has a number 8 on his back. Just like his race car shell he is a racer, hence the name speedy. Sorry, I could only take one picture because he kept running off.

Next is Mr. Crabs, Madisen's crab. His name came from her favorite cartoon Sponge Bob. He's a little shy!
(I say he, they could be girls??! Or one girl and one boy, Oh that would be bad!! Lest we not forget the 'guinea pig incident'.)

I know what your thinking that's just a shell , Not a crab! No Really! See look... there really is a crab in there! (Uhmm.. A dead crab maybe??)

No he comes (Few!!Thank God) he was just hiding, he's okay (my heart can start beating now!).

Well, That's all I've got for today. Thanks for stopping by, hope this hasn't left you in a Crabby mood for today. ha ha

Note; If there is a such thing as crab activists, and you believe the crabs should not be painted. Please forward all comments to Pets Smart and take it up with them, I did not paint them! (In fact just look at it as a rescue on my part.)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Wakey wakey Wal-mart shoppers!

Wal-mart around here is definitely not the place you want to go, if you don't want to be seen. You are bound to run into someone or everybody you know, it's just a given fact. And although I know Wal-mart isn't the fanciest place to shop, it doesn't hurt to take a little bit of pride in what you wear. Is it too much to ask for shoppers to hide their muffin tops or at least wear actual clothes. If you wear it to bed most of the time, it's not considered outer wear! Just because you can wear it to run out quickly to take the dog out or get the mail, doesn't make it okay to shop in. Since when did Wal-mart start holding sleepovers? I know I didn't get that flyer in the mail. Seriously, I have literally seen woman shopping out in their pajamas, dirty pajamas at that! To me this is just appalling. While it may be cool if your 15 wearing pajama pants out, believe me it's not when your dragging the hubby or a load of kids. No one wants to see your nasty slippers as you make your way down the aisles. For goodness sake could you not have just taken an extra five minutes to remove the hair curlers? All I'm asking for is a little self-respect people. It's a little confusing to my children trying to shop with you.

"Look mommy that woman is wearing her pajamas, and you wouldn't even let me wear my pink boots!"

I just don't see how you aren't embarrassed by yourself!
Why just the other day I was forced to take Madisen in wearing her pajamas, and I was so embarrassed! I had just picked her up from pajama day at school and had to run by wal-mart, before going home. Here she is 8 years old and begs me to ride in the buggy. Frustrated having all the kids with me I reluctantly just gave in. As I rounded one of the corners I just happened to run into an old friend (as expected). I found myself persistent on making sure she new why Madisen was dressed that way. All I could think was; I'm sure everyone in the store is assuming I have brought my germ infested sick child in to shop with me. Mothers all over the store were mumbling under their breaths "yep that's why are kids stay sick, it's mother's like her who won't stay home!" I'm telling you I could not get out of that store fast enough. All I know is the school needs to give the kids a sticker or sign to wear on those days.

Another thing seeing how I've stepped up on the soap box for today. What about the old bitties Wal-mart hires at the front of the store, does anyone know their purpose? They don't wipe down the buggies when they are wet, in fact they don't even keep paper towels on hand. From what I've seen they don't even hand you a buggy, even if they see you struggling with your hands full. Their rude and all they do is stand and hold a social club for seniors, right where you walk through the door. As far as I've seen all they do is collect a paycheck! All I know is I hope I can be so lucky as to land such a job when I'm an old hag. Hag! Not even!

Straight from a Wal-mart Ad ;
'Tonight's sleepover will include Bingo games, with prizes awarded hourly...'

Photo courtesy find by Mrs.Boring stay at homer ! Thanks hun too Funny!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What are you smoking crack?

I think the schools bus driver has been breathing gas fumes way too long...

You would think I am a fugitive with all the attention I am getting. I've got helicopters out looking for me, there's undercover FBI agents parked out at the kids school, and they keep breaking in on the news to run my story.

Okay, not really but it might as well be!

A little confused? Let me fill you in...

Kailey's classroom is under construction, therefore today her class was to meet in a unused room, which is outside of the school in the very back. To access this room she must be dropped off on the street above the school (the normal drop off area), walk approx. 400 ft to enter the school, then go down a flight of stairs to the lower level, and out the back door. Once she is out the back door she is completely alone. From there she must walk three doors down to get where she is going.

Alright now stop right there and lets evaluate this situation. She is a gorgeous little girl with long blond hair walking alone, less than 300 ft from a street with houses. Exactly where a drunken man walks, or at least tries to walk it's more like stumbling, everyday! It is absolutely the worst possible neighborhood for an elementary school. Now, let me ask you does this sound safe?

It's 20 degrees out, parking the car and walking the girls in would freeze everyone especially Jake, who would get it twice. Besides that it's stupid to walk so far in the cold, when I know I can drive right up to the back door. This way the girls can quickly get in out of the cold and I can have peace of mind they are safe.

What is one day breaking one rule, right? It's a heinous crime that's what!

Here's the bus drivers delusional vision of the crime;
"She came speeding through the 'drop off forbidden' parking lot, and almost took out three children!"

Can you believe it??? This is what she ran and blabbed to Madisen's teacher, and god only knows who else!

Speeding through! First of all, Were talking about a school parking lot not at the mall you crack addict lady. A huge sale at the mall, sure I might risk hitting a few children there, but not at school!!

I simply followed the bus to where I pick up the kids, everyday after school. Crawled to a STOP when the bus stopped in front of me, and waited to pass. Once everyone was in the clear, I slowly proceeded through the parking lot and parked right where I could watch the girls (walking all alone).

I don't care who I have offended at least I know my children are safe!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Don't take the Tiarra too!!

I finally discovered the underlining culprit, to our frequent stomach bug epidemic. For a while I was very puzzled over this mysterious diarrhea, that was effecting the kids. Here I was a little frantic thinking they had some kind of stomach bacteria or something. When really it traced back to these little guys...

Gummy Bears!

That's right Gummy bears! Oh, but not just any Gummy bears either these are Sugar-free Gummy bears. The first time I ran across them I was standing in line in a drug store, while on vacation. The second I read the bag labeled Sugar-free, it was if a light shined down on me from the heavens above and I could hear angels singing "Aaahhh". The solution to our cranky, screaming baby in the car, was sitting on the rack right in front of me. "Hal-le-lu-ah, A new secret weapon for gaining control, Qua-psssh!"

Little did I know I was a far cry from winning the mother of the year award on that purchase. You see printed on the very back near the ingredients is a tiny little warning.

Warning: Substitute sweeteners can cause a laxative effect...

Laxative effect... ding, ding, ding....Every 'H-ello Way to go idiot!', Alarm went off in my head as I read it repeatedly.

It was made with Splenda! With my new love for sugar-free products, our house was oozing Splenda.

Now Splenda-free, the kids bowels stay under control.

(sigh) And let's just say my ego, isn't too fond of the constant reminder, every time I see a Splenda label!

*mumbling in guilt* "I might as well just have fed them laxatives..."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Running in circles

"Madisen sweetie, I want you to forget all mommies rules."

"Don't play with her!"

"Don't sit close to her!"

"Don't hold hands!"

"Don't braid each others hair!"

"In fact just don't even go near her!"

"Don't even accidentally look in her direction!"

"Yes, I know I have always told you be nice and share with others!"

"I knooow she's your BFF!"

"OkAY! Then today lets just play a secret game that only we know about..."

"It's called TAG, and little miss BFF is IT, now anytime she gets near You run away as fast as you can , okay?!"

(I mean really, I know it's hard to get rid of lice, but it's going on 4 weeks!! Whatever happened to the big day in school where everyone lines up and the nurse checks your hair? Then, if you had it you got a slip and went HOME! Hey, and don't you wish you could go back to 2nd grade, where a BFF ment something! This girls got Bugs for Gods sake, and she still won't abandon her, now that's friendship!)

Dear Lord,
Please shield my child from the girl with lice!

And, Last but not least my Photo for Friday's Foto Fiesta with Candid Carrie!
(Because there's hope just in case!)

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Please, Don't toss the cookies!!

With the Christmas holidays over, our family has finally consumed all the Sweets (High in fat and calorie thigh thickeners), in the house. That was until I found an extra bag of chocolate & peanut butter morsels in the cabinet last night. What? We can't live without all five of our food groups, that's just not healthy. Besides I said it had peanut butter in it, that's healthy, right? So, even though I had cooked and cleaned all day. I wasn't going to let my husband and kiddos be deprived another day. So, I slaved back over the hot stove to make some homemade cookies. Half way through the recipe, I dig into my sugar bowl to find it's 2/4 th cups short of what I needed.

I'm sorry, hang on a minute... here I was choking down the smell of mayonnaise in my hair (hair issues, I tell you about another day), thinking I could sit here and quickly tell you this story, but NO! Madisen is home sick today and somehow she has managed to get a dog bone stuck in her fine, long, blonde hair. A DOG bone! How the heck does that happen? All I have to say is Eww! It was one of those soggy nasty chewed on dog bones. You know the kind the dog will be smacking his lips on next to you and you cringe and gag at the thoughts of touching it, to get it away so he'll stop. That kind! I swear I threw up a little in my mouth trying to get that out. Okay, now that I have completely ruined my train of thought and everyone's appetite for the day, let's get back to the cookies.

Now where were we? Oh yes, I was out of sugar! So, knowing somewhere in my many recipe books there is a chart for substitutions, I knew not to panic. ( If Jason were home telling this he would say, you had no need to panic, because I offered to go to the store for you.Yet he would fail to tell the part how I knew he was tired and refused to let him go.) Instead of wasting time waiting on him, or searching through my books I just quickly called my mom to ask. Continuing on with my cooking, Jason decides to pipe in, with his know it all advice. "There's no such thing as substitutes! How about I substitute the sugar in your morning coffee? You'll ruin the cookies! Just let me go to the store"....blah blah blah...I know EVERYTHING!!! So, I guess Betty Crocker really isn't the Almighty cookbook, it's just full of useless false crap! Whatever, I just kept on cooking. Frustrated with him harping at me across the house, I sat the bag of morsels on top of the stove, while I looked for a pan. My morsels would be the last ingredient to throw in, and then I could take out my frustration, throwing gob balls at the pan. Yet, as I opened the bag the night got even worse. All my morsels were completely melted and stuck to the bag. Oh, I was so mad! Scraping them out anyways I figured they melt in the stove anyways, who cares. All that mattered is if they tasted good. Once the first batch came out they weren't exactly Chef Emeril Lagasse presentable, in fact they looked like creamy peanut butter pancakes. No sign of a morsels or resemblance to a chocolate chip cookie, but I was confident the taste would over come appearance.
I threw my second batch in the over and headed to distribute my slaved over goodies. Kailey who had obviously overheard the dispute earlier, took one tiny bite and said, "all I taste is brown sugar, I'm not eating that!". (That's okay, I'll remember that the next time I disagree with your daddy's punishment. I'll teach her to pick his side! Little twerp! ) Next guinea pig, was Jason. Before he could even finish chewing he blurts out. "It's not too good, all I taste is brown sugar."
That was it, I thought!! I didn't say a word just walked right to the trash and threw in the entire batch of warm cookies. As I looked up I could see a look of panic come across Jason's face. I swear it was like all the blood had rushed out of him. His face was white as though he had just seen a ghost.

Okay, at this point of the story I want you to imagine an episode of Dukes of Hazard where they pause the scene, in suspense of what tragic is about to happen next. Now, tilt your head in wonder, because we are about to go back in time for a moment:

It's I'd say about August or so of 1995. Jason and I were young, in our pre-children days, living in a tiny apartment in Arizona. In love and eager to please, I had worked all day, come home cleaned our place, prepared a nice dinner, and made his favorite, A Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I was so excited for him to come home to enjoy all I had prepared. After dinner I pull out the cake I had made, and he takes one look at it and says "Hmm, it doesn't look like the cake on the box?" Can you guess what happened to the cake? That's right it went straight to the trash! Its iced perfection didn't have one blemish from a knife. He didn't even get to lick the crumbs off the pan. If you don't think that's bad enough, I didn't bake another cake for 10 long years!!! Seriously!

Now, back to the night of the cookies~

He very quickly saves him self! Proclaiming he was going to try them cold the next day, I should have never tossed the first batch. By God let me tell you, he has already ate (choked down) all but two halves of that second batch! Yet, here's the kicker of the story. I tried the cookies while he was gone. Although I wish I could say, they weren't all that bad, but I can't. They are Barf -a- luscious!!! Still I will never tell him that. I get way to much enjoyment out of seeing him trying to finish them off. "Awe"...It's one of life's little pleasures!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I truly am a miracle worker

You would be amazed how a Mystery surprise can turn test scores from F's into A's over night.

First A - A plastic tree with roots
"Look at it this way honey, if you don't get another A, at least you will have a fake tree for your Barbies!"
(I'll let you imagine the look she gave me. But, I'll have you know it wasn't becoming of her.)
Second A-
A Plastic container
"Don't worry sweetie it's not a bedpan!"
"A what??... EWWW, mommy your gross!"
Third and consecutive A- A bag of rocks.
(Have you figured it out yet? She has a few guesses one which is right, but not yet confirmed!")

Blabber mouth Madisen has begged and pleaded to know the secret. After she was sworn to secrecy, we told her it was a Multi-color lady bug farm. Eyes as big as quarters, she wasn't pleased with the answer, but dying to squeal the big news.
(Little does she know, we know her all too well to tell the truth!)

The Fourth and final test, for the grading period, another A!! ~
Can't wait for them both to come home and be surprised, at the little Turtle swimming in their room!

Isn't bribery wonderful! A little pricey, but well worth outcome. Now I know what she's capable of, and that's priceless.